Email Revision!
I was asked by my boss to revise the following email so that it could be sent out to the rest of the team, so I proofread, analyzed, and noted suggestions for approval. I used that to write a reply email to her to highlight the good and the room for improvement along with some personal notes. Finally, I took the liberty of including a revised version of the email that could be tweaked appropriately.
The first thing I noticed was that the Subject Line was long and didn't really provide anything useful in telling what the email is about.
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Following that I noticed that the email is one massive block of text which causes some info to get lost or causes the reader to lose interest.
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In terms of the information in the email, I thought everything was included that needed to be, however, there was a lot of unnecessary filler information such as what lunch was or medical information.
My last note for improvement would be the signature at the end which is terribly inappropriate for this type of message.
Overall, while this email does have a lot of issues, it also does a lot of good! The email did provide all relevant information, she kept a somewhat friendly tone, and did provide a call to action with asking everyone to reply so that a phone policy can be created
In my email reply, I created a table to highlight the pros and cons of the email where I separated it by each item. Afterwords, I left some suggestions for improvement where I mentioned specific parts of her email that could be revised.
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Afterwords I included the revised email where I revised the Subject Line to be more precise, reformatted the whole email, and I removed a lot of the filler.
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Finally, I left a guide to a professional signature.
I feel like this revised email helps solve a lot of the problems with the original email while still allowing her to sprinkle in her personality.